Newsradio 790 AM WNIS

Jokes & Bits mentioned on "Macrini in the Morning"

Play the "Macrini In the Morning" Drinking Game

Credits to Harry Ritz for this fun spin off of the State of the Union Address drinking game. Best played with 3 to 5 individuals.

Macrini In The Morning - News Team Drinking Game

The 2004 State of the Union Address Drinking Game

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS DRINKING GAME': Let's face it, to most Americans, the annual State of the Union Address is a giant snooze-fest. But a lot of people watch it anyway, either out of a sense of obligation, or because it's the only thing the major networks are carrying. In order to make things a little more fun for tonight's speech, you might want to try playing "The State of the Union Address Drinking Game." The game's website, at drinkinggame.us, gives you instructions for how many drinks to take for each event. Some examples:

Every time President Bush says:

• "men and women in/of our armed forces" -- Drink 1 (Drink 2 if phrase begins with "brave")
• "nukular" -- Drink 1
• Anything in Spanish -- Drink 1 Tequila shot or 1 Cerveza (beer)
• Any mention of the deficit - Drink 3
• Mars or space -- Drink 1
• "Don't mess with Texas!" -- Locate the nearest Texan; mess with him/her; then drink

Every time:

• Applause lasts more than 10 seconds (other than at the start and finish) -- Drink 1
• They show the First Lady -- Drink 1
• Bush gets a standing ovation from only HALF of Congress -- Drink 2

"Seasonal Greetings"

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

In other words - Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. :o)

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is backordered.)

Transport pilot: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares away on roof of children's hospital.

F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AOs without power lines or SAMs.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use weapons.

Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

Hampton Roads Barbies

GHENT BARBIE - This princess Barbie is only sold at the MacArthur Centre. She comes with Kenneth Cole 4-inch clunky shoes, an assortment of Kate Spade handbags and a Mercedes-Benz stretch limo. Options include: tummy tuck, face-lift and a work-a-alcoholic Ken.

PORTSMOUTH BARBIE - This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, and a metallic orange low-rider '88 Pontiac with oversized wheels and tinted windows. Julia, her DSS caseworker has curved arms that actually hold her two babies as she takes them away.

VA BEACH - NORTH END BARBIE - This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports Car or a souped up Hummer H2, also available is her 4,500 sq. ft. starter home built to resemble Tara.

GREAT BRIDGE BARBIE - This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Comes with lots of oversized jewelry, all of it genuine. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

OCEAN VIEW BARBIE - This model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR jacket, big hair, a can of skoal, a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank,Jr. CD set. She can spit over 7 feet and she can kick Ken's ass when she's drunk. An F-150 duallie pickup is available with Confederate flag license plates and a velcro bedliner that keeps her two rotweilers secure.

HICKORY BARBIE - This Barbie also has big hair, Daisy Duke style cut-off shorts and a halter top that says "Class of 2006". Accessories include: a pack of Marlboros, an infant wearing only a diaper, and a box of condoms. The Junior Prom kit (sold separately) includes a bottle of Southern Comfort, a set of teeth for Barbie's special night out, a blanket and two of Ken's best friends.

NEWPORT NEWS BARBIE - Comes with a leaky mobile home and a mountain of oyster shells to pave the drive or landscape the yard. The pockets of her designer sweat suit contain a diamond-studded cell phone, food stamps and signed cards to prove she's been to interviews so she can get her unemployment checks. 39 different sets of glue-on nails are available.

SUFFOLK BARBIE - Has a Fubu t-shirt dress and $300 Nikes. A miniature copy of her GED is in her purse. Boyfriend's Camaro actually lights underneath with lime green neon, and has a working 6,000 watt stereo. Maid Brigade uniform for her after class job, or you can play 'graduation' and get the flowered x-ray tech scrub suit.

HAMPTON BARBIE - (A/K/A "Charlotte" or "The Church Lady") Has a complete Lane Bryant wardrobe and two interchangeable hair-hats. Flat shoes slip on her flat feet, perfect for waiting in the chow line at S&S after church. Hands actually clasp needle and thread to finish her "Bloom Where You Are Planted" needlepoint. Includes the First Baptist Ladies' Circle Recipe Book, a remote door lock key fob for her Camry, and scratch-and-sniff "Old Lady" perfume.

ODU STUDENT BARBIE - Starts out in the classic Barbie shape, but you can add on blobs of plastic under her Britney Spears costume to show her first semester weight gain from beer and junk food. Her brand new black Ford Explorer's gas gauge is fixed on E and already has a bashed in fender. Cute and tiny designer backpack is full of credit cards, fake ID, and emergency contact info for when she passes out drunk on Hampton Blvd.

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your last name stays put.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work...more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "so, notice anything different?".

One mood, all the damn time.

And don't forget.....phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to public toilets without a support group.

You can leave a motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You know stuff about tanks.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "he must be mad at me."

No maxi-pads.

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on abolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes

Sinclair Communications